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- You will always have something to do with your hands.
- To avoid headaches later in the day, always have a cigarette first thing in the morning.
- If you work with explosives, you have a handy method of lighting the fuse.
- Smoking is a good career move if you want early retirement and would like to use up your sick leave.
- On New Years Eve you don't have to go out to the fireworks. Just dip your cigarette into a jar of ground up sparklers.
- Amuse your friends and be the life of the party by blowing smoke rings.
- Always discard your butts in flower pots and garden beds as it helps fertilise the plants and keeps insects away.
- Occasional house fires will help keep firemen employed.
- By buying cigarettes from corner stores, you help support local businesses and help retain the fabric of our society.
- At the beach, children can use the butts to decorate their sand castles.
- Annoy neighbours you don't like by staying home and smoking heavily.
- You will always have a good reason for loitering - "Officer, I'm just having a cigarette".
- Always smoke when you are pregnant. Your smoking helps the unborn baby prepare for the air pollution in the real world.
- When your neighbour's kids are too noisy, trigger their asthma by breathing smoke on them.
- By smoking heavily, you get out of boring work and will have plenty of short breaks during the day.
- Develop your cool image and fun-loving personality by being a smoker. Non-smoking is for wimps and wusses.
- You will have a good reason to paint the ceilings every three years.
- Why celebrate world no-tobacco day once a year, when every day can be celebrated as a pro-tobacco day.
- You will know when it's time to throw out your old lounge suite by the number of burn marks.
- Smoking is an adult custom. Add years to how old you look by smoking heavily.
- If you run out of smokes late at night, help the taxi industry by getting them to deliver your smokes to the door.
- You can demand more services and benefits from the government because you have paid more in taxes.
- Help keep the bush fire brigades trained and ready for any emergency by throwing lighted butts from your car window.
- Keep your weight down by smoking cigarettes instead of eating them.
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